Elliot C. Mason – What To Look For in an Agent @ArthurRay44

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What To Look For in an Agent

Green skin, a gluttonous gut, shiny red nose, fake hair, a superior dandy smile and suede loafers are the signs of a man with more money than sense. Yellow fur, snarling grin, vicious teeth, padded paws and a mane are the giveaway clues that in front of you is a lion. Lightly beating drums and the sharp twang of strings being plucked building on the horizon, looming nearer, tempo rising and the occasional whimper of an organ in the distance or clang of symbols are unmistakably the mark of a shark approaching from beneath the water. Characterless ties, archaic comb-overs, rosy cheeks of innocence, the jealous scent of fifty pound notes, the dusty grimace of Etonian grooming, the daunting realisation that you are under that shining black shoe, the sudden lightness of your pockets, and those gold-ringed fingers ravaging your wallet are all clear marks of a politician approaching. Worn corduroy blazer over unbuttoned waistcoat, floppy hair bouncing in the wind, light grey stubble and thick-rimmed glasses, carrying a retro briefcase, listening to Bob Dylan, muttering meaningless fables from ancient writers concerning the nature of democracy lying principally in man’s own bludgeoning of himself – spot these traits and unmistakably a university professor is marching straight towards you.

A money-hungry talent leech who sucks the life out of your veins, pumps you up with chirpy propaganda, sticks you on a totem pole outside a bookshop and takes every penny you ever made is a literary agent.

All these things should be avoided.